I feel like I obsess about what I eat. Constantly.
I don’t feel like I see food like a normal person does. I can’t just sit down and eat a meal. I focus on what I’m going to eat. How many points are in that meal. How many points does that leave me for my next meal(s) for that day. If I eat this tonight for dinner does that mean I’ll have to cut something else out tomorrow night for dinner.
I miss the days of eating carelessly. Or not worrying about how many points are in my food. I miss the days of drinking too many drinks with the only fear being if I would have a headache the next day. I miss ordering cheese fries or pizza after a night out with the girls.
Some days I wonder if this is for me. I get sad when I realize this is for life. And stressed.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to just eat. If this will ever become second nature to me. Is this something that I’ll always struggle with? Will I ever just be able to sit down and eat a meal without mentally counting points?
Just last night, the one I love was saying that he wants to go for Mexican this weekend. I’ve been craving Chinese. I don’t feel like I’ll be able to do both in one week. I don’t feel like I can control myself enough in order to eat both Mexican & Chinese food in the same weekend. Or the same week for that matter.
I stress out about food. I’ve started to hate food. (Don’t get me wrong, I still just love the taste of food!) But it’s become such a stresser in my life. Something I focus on. And worry about. And when I eat at someone else’s house it’s hard to give up the control as to how it’s fixed. I get nervous over a meal. A single meal.
Doing this for the rest of my life scares me. Does it ever just become second nature?