Somedays …

… A quote will touch you more than you expect.

“If you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy. Unless you want everybody to be happy, except you.”
I struggled with the one I love here recently. Things were bad. Very bad. I heard from all directions to leave him behind. Even the people who told me to do what made me happy were still saying to leave him behind. And I totally understand why. And I’d be lying if I said that thought didn’t cross my mind. But I knew I wouldn’t be happy.
I’d also be lying if I said every day was perfect. If I never struggled with things now. I still struggle. Sometimes the simplest things will bring back a flood of emotions. Watching a movie can make me feel like crying. Listening to a coworker talk about her weekend & I want to curl up and be alone. It’s a constant struggle. I’ll have 10 days straight where I don’t second guess my decision. Where I’m completely happy. And then 1 day where I want to cry & eat chocolate & drink wine like its my last day on this planet.
Part of this struggle is why I gained so much of my weight back. Yes, I 100% realize that the one I love did not make me gain weight. He did not force feed me. I realize that I’m the one who put the food in my mouth. But I’m an emotional eater. And I emotional ate 30 pounds back onto myself.
It is getting easier. Much easier. But I still have my days. Today is one of those days. Today I want to sit down, be alone, and watch sappy movies. I want to drink wine until I fall asleep. I want to have a double date with Ben & Jerry. And I want to lay around in my fleece pants and his baggy hoodie & not open the curtains in my bedroom. Instead I put on my make-up, I got dressed & packed myself a healthy bag of food to eat. I am prepared with healthy snacks & a good sounding menu. Today I will not emotionally eat my feelings away.
Except for tonight. Tonight I’m going to watch crappy TV & have a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich. Chocolate flavored of course.

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