Ugh. Drama this weekend.
It wasn’t a horrible weekend, but it sure as shit wasn’t the best one ever.
Saturday I had to get my car fixed. AC, rear brakes & rotors. That hurt my bank account a little. Cleaned the office. Laid around the one I love’s house while he was at work. And then got my lazy butt up to get ready & go out for a drink. I was having a pretty decent time. The one I love came out to meet me after work.
And then… SHE arrived. Yeah. It wasn’t good. I seriously thought we were moving past “the incident” again. Yes, we still had our good days & our bad days. And I knew the day would come that we would run into her. I just wasn’t ready for it. And I especially wasn’t ready for it to happen Saturday night.
Saturday I had a mental chat with myself about how I needed to let go of the past. I know it’s still going to bother me at times, but in order for us to move on & grow as a couple, for us to be happy again, I have to chose to move past it. To be happy. To realize it happened, yes here recently it’s been brought back into the picture, but it was almost a year ago – next month makes a year. It is time to move on from it all. I was ready to walk away from that part of our relationship (accepting of the fact that there would be some bad times still).
And then she showed up. She was there. At my spot. My bar. On my back bar patio. Talking to my boyfriend! Oh no, no, NO. I didn’t say anything to her. And he said they only talked in passing. She did not come up to us outside, thank goodness. It set us back so far this weekend. It brought up emotions I didn’t even realize I was feeling. Issues I didn’t even realize were issues.
And then Sunday was awful. Totally awful. The one I love was in a piss poor mood. When I mentioned how I was feeling he shot down my feelings. So I shut down myself. And we just didn’t talk. Almost all day. It was tense, and awkward, and just all around bad. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be alone. And I wanted to be with him and held. Yes, I realize that makes no sense.
And then he made me talk about it. And it wasn’t good. I got emotional & choked up. He got emotional and felt like I was attacking him. So the conversation ended with us just going to bed. He held me all night, which is exactly what I needed, even though nothing really got resolved.
Today I sent him an email. I explained how I was feeling and why. I spelled my guts in this email. I laid it all out there. I think I made the one I love feel bad. That was not my goal. I feel like a coward because I couldn’t say all of this to him. Every time I tried I either got mad or I couldn’t stop crying. We got no where just trying to discuss things.
I know he didn’t realize how I was feeling, and how some of the things he said came across. I hope tonight we can actually sit down and talk about things, if he wants to. If not, then I have said all I need to say.