Apparently lots of things are evil here recently.
But when Facebook brings up memories you weren’t totally ready for, it’s awful.
Yesterday I was supposed to move back into my townhouse. I was supposed to be able to get back up on my own 2 feet. I was ready. I can do this. I’m ready to take on the world. (BTW – all that didn’t happen, which is a story for another day.) I thought I was totally, 100% in control of my life. And minus the minor setback of not being able to move, I was 100% in control of my life.
Then today. Oh today. I logged into Facebook this afternoon. And of course the “See Your Memories” tab pops up. So I click. I knew this day was coming up. I knew it would pop up any time now. I just didn’t expect it to be today.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of when I moved to the farm. I move in with Mr. Chocolate. One year ago today, was what I thought was the first major step for the rest of my life. Instead, today I researched moving companies to move me back into my townhouse. Today I researched ways to start my life over. Alone. With Mr. Chocolate. Something that 1 year ago I thought we would celebrate and have as a special day in our lives, in turn was a pretty damn hard day to face.
I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t tear up. I didn’t cry! But I teared up. I got emotional.
It’s still hard. So damn hard. I miss him. I miss crawling into bed with him. I miss his smile. His laugh. I miss the way he could look at me and I would crack up. The way he could look at me and I knew he loved me. I miss our home. Our life.
Each day is a little easier. And each coming day will continue to get easier. But today, tonight, it wasn’t easy. It was hard. And I know there will be those days also. I know there will be the days when I just feel like I can’t. Like I won’t find that with anyone else. And then I’ll remember that while today marks 1 year since I moved in with Mr. Chocolate, it also marks 2 months that he’s not been mine. That we’ve not been each other’s. It marks 2 months that I’ve been single.
And no, I’m not perfect since the breakup. I still have moments that hit me wrong, like realizing what today is. But overall, for 2 months, I’m doing pretty great. And for right now, pretty great is pretty awesome.
Who knows, maybe I’ll look back on my Facebook Memories in about 10 months and celebrate. (Or maybe not, who knows.) I won’t celebrate the end of my relationship. But the beginning of my new life. I’ll celebrate the chance to have the life I want. I’ll celebrate the fact that a man loved me enough, that when he realized he couldn’t give me that life, he set me free to find someone who could. I’ll celebrate my new life. The life where I’ve vowed to date myself. The life that includes cooking with peppers and onions again. Maybe I’ll celebrate many things. Maybe I won’t. Only time will tell.
But tonight, tonight I’m no longer going to dwell on what this day should have been. I’m going to focus on what this life still has to offer.