I’m not going to lie, the idea of living alone is one of my biggest fears right now. And I’m going to have to face it this weekend.
I’m not afraid of living alone in the way that I fear something will happen to me. Or that the bumps in the night will scare me. I’m afraid of living alone in the way that I haven’t done it in so long. I don’t know how to do it anymore. I don’t know how to go home to an empty house and just be me.
Yes, before and during a large part of my relationship with Mr. Chocolate I lived alone. But while we were together I got so used to having someone else there. It was pretty early into our relationship when I started staying over at his house, or he would stay at mine, almost nightly. And once construction started on the main road that runs right behind my house I psedu moved in with him. And a little while after that we took the plunge and actually combined households.
So, I’d say for at least the past 3, if not more, years I’ve been coming home to someone on the regular.
Shoot, even after we broke up, I’ve been staying with friends. I have someone to come home to. Someone to talk to. Talk about my day with. Spend time with.
I don’t know how to be alone. I have no idea how. I’ve forgotten how to do it and I’m really afraid of relearning it. I don’t understand both the freedoms and responsibilities of living alone anymore. I am excited to relearn those same freedoms and responsibilities, but scared also.
What do you do when you’re alone? What is acceptable anymore? Is it ok to veg out and Netflix all night? Am I supposed to be productive? Can I take a bubble bath at 8pm and be in bed by 9pm? Do those things start to seem lonely? Will I be lonely? What if I am? What do I do?
I need someone to just tell me how to live alone. Tell me what to do. I can make a plan for everything else. I can’t plan this one. I mean, I guess I could schedule out my bubble bath and Netflix time – but that just seems loserish.
I’m ready to be on my own 2 feet again. I know I’ll be fine. It’s going to take some time and some getting used to, but I’ll be fine.