The kid that changed my outlook

So… here’s the post I’m sure some of you have been waiting for.

It’s not about online dating, I’ve stopped that – more to come later. It’s about Mr. Chocolate The Ex. Mrs. Yikes has been asking me for almost a week now when I’m going to write this post, I just haven’t been ready. I guess after a couple of drinks I’m as ready as I’m going to be. Although, I hate to break it to you, it’s probably not going to be the hilarious post you were hoping for Mrs. Yikes.

I found out last week that The Ex is expecting a child. With none other than a girl who is barely no longer a child herself. I will not go into detail, it is not my place to post those details on the internet. That is between him, the mother of his future child (FYI – not me) and their families. In fact, those very few sentences is all I’m going to say on the matter of him having a child. But I will tell you the way this has made me feel and the things I have realized since learning this tid bit of information.

First I felt anger. I felt betrayed. Hurt. I felt like I had been punched in the ovary. That all of my hopes and dreams had been shattered. And then once all of that subsided, and it took some venting to a wonderful girlfriend and a couple glasses of wine before they subsided, I started laughing. I found the humor in the situation. And beyond that, I found the silver lining that has been shining ever since.

I would be lying to you if I told you that before learning this information I didn’t hold out hope. No, I was not hoping that one day The Ex would realize that he had made a giant mistake and want me back – I don’t want that to ever happen. But he still had a hold on me. I hoped for a friendship. I wished for my best friend back. I had that hope of “we’ll still be friends once everything settles down.” I hoped to keep him in my life in whatever form I could.

Afterwards, I realized I don’t want that. More than wanting that, I don’t need that. I am better off. I realized that I don’t need him in my life anymore. My happiness does not revolve around how much I talk to him, I see him. How much he is still a part of me. I am happy again, on my own, something I haven’t felt in a long time. I realized that my happiness doesn’t rely on The Ex being in my life. It relies on me making it happen.

I realized that he didn’t respect me. I found out this information from Facebook of all places. Not from friends. Not from him. Facebook. I  know, I know, I had no right to expect him to tell me. We were broken up, we’re not friends, yada yada. Out of respect for the time we spent together, yes, I do feel that it would have been nice for him to tell me himself. I got a little angry at the fact that he didn’t. I felt that after 4 1/2 years together, he could have at least told me himself. Text, phone call, even a Facebook message. Something other than seeing both of their parents talk about it & being completely thrown for a loop. But that loop also made me realize that if he did respect me, or even our time together, he would have told me. And the fact of the matter is, he didn’t. If he did, a lot of things towards the end of our relationship would have been different. A lot of things involving this girl and her family would have been different. I’m not saying they would be fixed, just different. I fully believe our breaking up was the best thing to happen to me. But his actions in the end showed little respect for me as his partner. This situation helped me realize that.

I am still grateful for the time I spent with him; even if our relationship lasted much longer than it should have. It has taken lots of soul searching to find those reasons, but they are there. Several of those reasons being the awesome friends I now have in my life. Without the years spent with him, I would not have the people like Mr. & Mrs. Yikes in my life. I wouldn’t have the Danes. I wouldn’t have any of my girlfriends that I have now. Without the time spent with him, I wouldn’t be in a place to start dating a guy who has nothing but respect for me (that story is for another day, but it’s a good one). I wouldn’t know what I am and what I’m not willing to put up with in a relationship. I learned how to speak my mind and lay on the table what I want.  What I will and what I won’t put up with. I learned how to show love. I learned how to appreciate love that is shown to me.

I learned who I am. Take it or leave it.

I also learned that it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough for him. I was too much. The Ex wasn’t ready for me. Maybe he was when we met, but at the end, he wasn’t. And that’s ok, because people change. For the better, the worse, or the indifferent, we change. It’s part of life. So when someone says “you’ve changed”, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a thing.

 

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