I’ve never been a small person. Even as a child. I wasn’t large, or “fat”, by any means. But I was never small. However, I can say of my closest friends growing up I was the biggest.
All through school. Every. Single. Year.
I never thought of myself as big. Just average. I was an average everyday girl. The girl next door. Not the movie role of the girl next door. No no, the normal one we all remember growing up. You know, pudgey, freckles, dull hair, band geek. Nothing to write home to mom about.
Are you getting a mental image here? The quiet girl who did no wrong. Not very popular, but had a very strong group of friends.
She was me. I was her. We were one in the same.
But back to the beginning. I never thought of myself as “fat”. Overweight, yes. I never, and still to this day don’t, thought of myself as ugly. I always knew I was pretty.
I can remember the day that I realized other people had noticed I was overweight as well. I always thought it was something I thought about myself, not something other people thought about me. I was in the 7th grade. It was during lunch. I wasn’t really hungry that day so I got something small. A granola bar & milk probably. I sat down at the lunch table & ate my small lunch. I wasn’t trying to lose weight or eat less, I just wasn’t hungry. I didn’t have any friends in that class so I ate lunch, usually, in quiet. A girl sitting across from me, Brittany, asked why I wasn’t eating. I explained that I just wasn’t hungry, no big deal, right? Her friend asked if I was anorexic because I didn’t want to eat. Brittany turned to her friend and made the comment that “Look at her, she’s too fat to be anorexic.”
And that’s when it hit me. Other people see this about me also.
I didn’t do anything about it. I continued living my life as normal. I finished middle school and went on to high school. I didn’t play sports, but I was in the marching band. Every Fall I would lose weight, my family would tell me how great I looked. Every Spring I would put the weight back on. This cycle continued for four years.
Until I grew up. Well, at least that’s what everyone tells me. I graduated high school. I moved away to college. Two hours away from the life I knew.
I didn’t start gaining weight all at once. It was a slow & steady process. Honestly at first I started losing weight. I walked everywhere I went. I walked to class. I walked to visit my friends. I walked to go to the movies or out to eat. I walked to get my dinner across campus. I walked to my car to go to the mall. Everywhere I went involved a walk. And then my eating started to catch up with my walking.
It wasn’t that I was purposely eating more. I just had all this free food basically. I had my pick of all the fast food & all you can eat dining hall food a girl could dream of! And all I had to do was swipe my food card. Oh the pounds started packing on!
After two years of living on campus I got an apartment with some friends. I stopped walking everywhere. I switched schools. I found a job. I worked full time. I went to school full time. I basically lived out of my car. I ate a lot of fast food. A lot. Oh did I start gaining weight!
I wasn’t happy. Nothing made me happy anymore. I no longer thought I was just overweight. I thought I was fat. I felt fat. But did I do anything about it? Nope.
I waited two more years. I waited until I started a “real” job. I waited until life got a little more settled. Part of me is glad I waited. Part of me wonders why I did.
I started at 242.2 pounds. I am ashamed of that number. I was 21 years old & 242.2 pounds. I was unhappy. It showed.
I have decided that I am not willing to stop. So I have recommitted myself. Body & Mind to doing this. 100%
I can, and I will, succeed.