Holy Toledo Batman!

Ok, so I’m AWFUL when it comes to updating this bad boy.

I think I ignore when I really don’t want to be honest about what’s going on in my life. Because I do want to be honest on this blog. I want it to be my place to turn to when things are crazy, or crazy good.

So since it’s been a while, let’s just lay it all out on the table! Here are my confessions of the past 2 1/2 months.

1) I took diet pills. I did. I know, awful. Why would I do such a thing?? And even worse, I started taking them AFTER I rejoined WW. I had great success with WW while I was taking them. I was down just over 10 pounds. Then I stopped taking them. They made me feel funny after about 5 weeks on them. Fluttery almost. They also made my BP rise. I wasn’t cool with that. So I stopped them. The first week off, I gained some weight. The next week the scale was back down. I realize I CAN do this on my own.

2) I gained back all my weight. Yeah, you heard me. I just told you I took diet pills and lost like 10 pounds. Gained week 1 off of them and then lost week 2 off of them. Yeah, well, then life got crazy. I got emotional. I stopped caring about what to eat, how much to eat, if even if I ate. And then vacation. Oh vacation, it was glorious. I went back to my meeting last night, I held my head up high, I told my leader I knew the damage on the scale, and I accepted it. All of my weight back. Plus .2 pound. It’s weight. It will come back off. This time without the help of diet pills.

3) I broke up with Mr. Chocolate. It sucked. It was awful. It felt like I was ripping out my own heart & stomping on it. I drank too much wine. I ate too much chocolate. And pizza. And pasta. And whatever else I wanted to eat while grieving, because the desire to eat didn’t happen often. I wanted more out of our relationship. Mr. Chocolate, however, wasn’t ready to say he did also. He was happy how we were. He liked our relationship. I couldn’t do it. I was afraid he would never want more with me. After 3 1/2 years he didn’t, what was going to change? I walked away. Crying like a baby.

4) I went on vacation!! Oh, glorious, wonderful, vacation. I drank too much. I ate too much. I explored a different country. I flirted. I danced. I swam with the fishes and flew through the air. Did I mention I ate and drank too much? Yeah, that’ll happen.

5) I got back together with Mr. Chocolate. So apparently 2 weeks apart made him realize he was being a pansy and our relationship needed to move forward. He admitted that the idea does scare him, but the idea of not having me around scares him more. He told me he realized that we did live together, and that he didn’t want it to be “his” home anymore, he wanted it to be “our” home. He wants to settle down with me. Have little blonde haired, blue eyed babies (I hate to break it to him, those are resistive traits. So if I have anything to it they’ll be dark haired. But poor things will be fair skinned as they come!) He told me that I am “the one”. We made up.

6) I recommitted to WW. Again. Yeah, so what? Don’t judge me. I have been going to meetings. I haven’t actually stopped doing WW. (Well, minus the weeks of break-up and vacation.) But yesterday I went back to my meeting. I bought healthy foods. I planned. I cooked. And I’m going to do this. With diet and exercise. Not with diet pills.

Seriously, I fail at dieting

I just do. I suck at it. I have gained back all the weight I lost. Plus a couple of pounds. My mindset is not in it. At least not the exercise part. It’s gross. And I get sweaty. And all I really want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I can totally handle the food part of this thing. For the most part. There are times where I crave chocolate, or beer, or chocolate beer. And I might have too much of one, or all, of these things.

And it doesn’t help that I absolutely love to bake. And I’m sorry, some things just aren’t as good if you use “fake” sugar, or whatever.

It also doesn’t help that Dog is coming back to us. The one I love’s cousin was going to take him. After one day he decided he didn’t have enough time to give to dog, or the money. So now he’s returning to us & we’re continuing the search to find him a forever home. A girl from work & her beau are coming over tomorrow night to meet Dog. It’s seriously going to break my heart to give him to them. I know it would probably be good, and I’ll still get regular pictures of him, because, yes, this is a requirement! But knowing I won’t get to see him is going to kill me. Thinking about it makes me want to cry. I can’t even imagine what will happen when it’s time for someone to come pick him up. I will sit and cry. And possibly curl up with his blanket. And drink lots of wine. Oh yes, I feel this is what will happen.

Meet Dog.

Meet Dog.

Thankfully, I have date night with the bestie this weekend. And my job is to supply dessert. I can so totally handle that. The way I’ve been feeling all I want to do is bake. So it’ll be good for me to have that time with her & be able to bake my little heart out.

I’m also hardcore stressing over my class tonight. Last night I had a midterm in my Religion class. Tonight I have my Econ final, a presentation, and have to turn in my final paper. Seriously. Stressing. My paper is completed. I just have to print it out. My presentation is pretty much done, I have to figure out my speaking part, but I’ll basically just take all of it from my paper. And my exam, well, pray for me.

But on a positive WLJ note, I did a 5k this weekend! Not just any 5k, I did the Dirty Girl Mud Run! It took us roughly an hour, and we had a blast doing. But were insanely sore the following few days. Climbed under things, through the mud, over things, in things. I want to do it again so bad. And this might be gross, but I still have dirt under my toe nails!

dirty

 

It’s just going to be an emotional day apparently

But not in a totally bad way.

It all started with the constant reminders of that awful day 12 years ago. I’m sure we all know exactly where we were at that moment in time. I was in the 10th grade. English class with Ms. Tracey. She had red hair, used a cane, always wore a floor length skirt. She was full of piss & vinegar. I loved her class. From there I went to Math. The administration was still telling teachers that we needed to continue on with our day as normal, but they were allowed to turn on the news, just had to continue to teach. We had block schedules – 90 minutes per class. My math teacher, Mr. Rowe, posted 1 problem on the board as a pop quiz. That’s all we did. We were in a part of the school that did not have cable. We listened to a radio for the entire class period. Kids were being picked up from school all day long. No one knew what was going on or what this meant for us. We were all scared but still, in some weird way, care free. We knew this meant life would change, but we had no idea how much. And because we were all cut off, or maybe not old enough to understand, life seemed to continue as normal. At least until I got home. My mom had been crying, probably all day knowing her.

Looking back, I realize how much it has changed my life. How many of my friends joined the service because of that fateful day. How much it still continues to change the lives of many. And how on that day, so many men and women, young and old, were lost.

***

And now, after typing all that, this just feels like a pretty shitty thing to talk about. Petty, I guess would be a better word.

I’m working with my cheats-a-lot coworker today and tomorrow. Like, all the time. I’ve known her for 5 years, and can think of probably 5 different guys, since I’ve known her, she’s cheated on her husband with. Not all sex, though. Sometimes its just texting or flirting – lots of it. Sometimes heavy petting or fooling around. Either way, she’s got a problem.

And of course now there is another guy. At least she’s realized how much she’s ruining her relationship, and has started therapy for all of this. She has not directly talked to me about any of this, and I’ve been ok with that, until today. When she decided it was time I needed to be brought up to speed about what’s going on.

I hate it. I truly do. When she starts in on all this I cringe. It’s all I can do to hold it together and not blast her for her actions. It just brings back all of these memories from the incident. And it makes me feel sick to my stomach. And yes, I realize it’s been a year. And for the most part I am totally over the incident – minus the fact that I still refuse to watch/read anything where the main story is about cheating, and I can not watch “Get Him to the Greek” without crying. I’m so happy I decided to work things out with the one I love. We have our ups and downs, and we fight to bring our relationship back every time. We are getting better as time goes on.

And I know the biggest reason said coworker doesn’t mention these issues to me is because I tell her exactly how her husband is feeling. And she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like the attention being turned to him. The fact that I don’t take any pity in her, and instead side with her husband. Oh no, doesn’t like it at all. I swear I think I almost made her cry earlier. Maybe this is harsh of me, but don’t come to me for advise and expect me to sugar coat things, especially when I think you’re fucking up & can totally relate to how your husband is feeling.

Maybe she won’t talk about it tomorrow.

Who am I kidding? She will.

I texted the one I love. I told him that his job tonight is lots of cuddles. That I love him and I’m so glad we worked through things. That I hope we make it forever. I don’t want to be her in 10 years.

In a total funk.

Completely.

Its all personal life related. I have a lot of thinking to do about things. Figure out what I want/need. And kind of go from there.

I’m just. I’m not thinking I’m happy right now. I think there is some work that needs to be done. Some issues that need to be addressed.

Lots of sole searching to be done.

 

Type II Diabetes?

Not me. But my Granny.

She’s in denial. Refusing to learn about healthier options. Blaming the doctors. It’s not pretty. My mom has offered to go on the restricted diet with her so she has support. She offered to take her to the grocery store to help her find sugar free options. She just refuses. I know it will take some time to adjust to what she’s just been told.

I really hope she gets serious about this. It will help her in so many ways. It will regulate the issues she has now related to the type 2 diabetes. It will help her lose weight. Which will then in turn help take some of the strain off of her joints, which have all been replaced. But she’s so damn stubborn.

I need to do some research of my own. Find ways to possibly fix things at holidays that are better for her (and all of us). Find out what factors play into type 2 diabetes. What I personally need to be aware of in my future. This diagnosis for my granny has really made me want to focus on getting healthier and making smarter choices. I won’t do a complete overhaul of my life, but I do believe it will make me much more conscious of the decisions I’m making, about the food I’m putting in my body, the workouts I’m skipping.

***

And speaking of being more aware of the foods I’m putting into my body! I made some freakin’ amazing egg white muffins last night. They came out to 90 calories for 2 egg muffins. I paired that with 2 slices of turkey bacon & a banana. My breakfast was 245 calories & so filling.

egg

Egg White Muffins

12 T 2% shredded cheddar cheese
12 t whole milk
36 T of egg whites (I used the carton of egg whites)
12 cherry tomatoes, diced
12 (roughly) T of diced red onion
salt/pepper/garlic to taste

I measure everything out individually into the muffin tin. Another way would be to place your “filling” in the tin, and then combine all other ingredients in a bowl & fill evenly. (Last time I used a bowl I added EVERYTHING – some muffins had lots of filling, others had very little.) Bake at 375 for 20 minutes. They will be super puffy when you take them out of the over but will quickly shrink down to little sized.

I let them all cool completely & placed them in a gallon sized zip-lock bag & then in the fridge. This morning I took 2 out & microwaved them for 1 minute, then topped with hot sauce.

***

I think these will be a weekend staple for me to make. Breakfast this morning seriously took me all of 5 minutes to make! And that included cooking the bacon (in the microwave of course, so no dishes to clean up!). I can totally handle that. For 30 minutes of work I have breakfast all week long.

Today’s Plan of Attack:

B: 2 egg white muffins, 2 slices turkey bacon, coffee, banana. – 245 cal
S: Greek yogurt. – 130 cal
L: Salad w/ chicken/craisins/carrots/cucumber/tomato/onion/mozzarella cheese/balsamic vinaigrette, SF pudding cup. – 443 cal
A: 10min elliptical, 20min kickboxing – 325 cal burned
S: Cottage cheese w/ strawberries. – 100 cal
D: Subway Steak & Cheese sandwich. – 440 cal
S: 2 Trader Joe’s cookies. – 180 cal

Mopey Day + WIM

I’m having it. Something awful.

But I have a plan for today. My day is full to the max!

The one I love & myself discussed a few things this weekend. Some things I didn’t even realize were bothering him. I wish he had told me earlier so I could have changed these things instead of holding it all in. But anyway, now I’m feeling mopey.

I had to go back to my house this week. The possible new roommate is coming to check out the house this weekend. I have lots left to do around the house to get ready for her to come check it out. Part of me doesn’t really want to rent that room out – but she wants to use the furniture in there & it’s extra money in my pocket every month. But either way, even if she doesn’t rent it out I’m going to start doing some changes to that room.

I want to paint the walls a nice latte color. And 1 wall I want an olivey green color. But not something that’s going to look army color scheme like. Some curtains. Make a headboard for in there. Get a nice slip-cover for the big comfy chair. Put the book shelf in there & a small MDF dresser. Get a small flat screen tv to place in there as well. Tons of plans – just need to start doing it.

The time at home will be good for the one I love & myself. But with my mopey mood I could totally just sit & emotional eat all day long. So I’ve made a plan for every night this week. I’m going to work on cleaning the house some more each night & I’ve broken it all up into a room every day.

Tonight – Kitchen
Tomorrow – Livingroom
Wednesday – Upstairs landing & Bathroom
Thursday/Friday – Storage stuff

Hopefully this will keep me busy this week since I’ll be alone. Also going to the gym in the evenings with the coworker. So I won’t have any time to emotional eat!

Went grocery shopping at lunch to get things to make healthy lunches & dinners. I have leftover pizza tonight for dinner & probably a side salad. I got stuff to make grilled chicken salads & baked potatoes with chili for lunches. Meatloaf 1 night for dinner (and probably leftovers).

I’m going to try to make it to the gym at least 3x this week. Today & tomorrow are guaranteed days with the coworker. The rest of the week will be as I have time. Possibly Thursday. Wednesday the one I love might come over for dinner & to help me clean some – I might put him to work weed eating out front.

***

On a different note, today was my first weigh in while following SparkPeople.

Last Week: 222
This Week: 220.75
Difference: -1.25

Down 1.25 pounds this week. Pretty excited about all that.

I really lost control over the weekend. Lots of food & drinks. I need to do better this week. Hopefully with so much going on I won’t be able to lose control as easily.

***

Today’s Plan of Attack:

B: Granola bar & coffee. – 140
S: Greek yogurt. – 120
L: Sushi & cottage cheese. – 455
S: Cashews & cheese stick. – 162
A: 30min Elliptical?
D: 2 Leftover pizza slices & side salad. – 767

Still haven’t just over 100 calories left for the day. 🙂 Might have to find something sweet at home as a nice treat this evening.

So much for a fun weekend out of town

The one I love & myself were invited to go out of town to visit some friends. They are having several people come to town, having a big shin-dig. We both decided getting out of town was exactly what we needed. A chance to get away for a night. To have no worries. Just have fun.

And then we found out there were other people than us invited. Not a big deal at all. Until we found out it was going to be 4 couples total, including us. And of those 3 other couples, the one I love has dated 2 of the other females.

Uh. No.

I don’t think our relationship could handle me being in a room with 2 of his ex-girlfriends for an entire weekend. I just don’t think it’s possible. I can’t handle the awkwardness. The insecurities. Especially since I am the visitor of this group. Everyone else sees each other often or has a past from college together. I am the outsider in this group.

Needless to say, I opted out of going. I told the one I love he is more than welcome to go but I will not be attending. I think he’s opting out of going also – but I don’t exactly know for certain.

***

And on a different note!

Today was my WI day. The scale was up, but only by .2# – so really, not even up. And I’ll totally take that.

I am an emotional eater. And in an attempt to curb my emotional eating I’ve turned myself into an emotional binger. I don’t know which is worse. I can hold off for so long & then I binge & can’t stop myself. Who knows.

But that’s how this week has gone. Just periods of not wanting to eat & then wanting to eat everything in sight. All.Week.Long.

I hope to be able to grab some control of my diet this week. At least get better with it.

So, Today’s Plan of Attack:

B: Clif bar & coffee. -6
S: Light yogurt. -2
L: Turkey sandwich & salad. -7
S: Carrots w/ hummus. – 1
D: ??? This leaves me with 19pts for something.