I’ve been on the Struggle Bus

I’ll be honest here. Not only have I been on this bad boy, today I feel like I’ve been driving it.

Struggle Bus

 

Last week I was on a high from doing so good with Weight Watchers. I felt like I had my shit straight. I was in control. WRONG!

Weekend hit. FOOD! EAT ALL OF IT!!! And I did.

Lots of it. And then Valentine’s Day was a bust. And I ate even more.

And then I had the mindset of “Well whatever, diet’s already blown this week, I’ll start over on Thursday.” Whew – big mistake.

Because by Thursday my scale was back up.

That being said, Thursday morning I woke up with the mindset of “I got this. I’m in control. I will do this. I will get back on track.” Yeah… about that. When I couldn’t get home last night it just started to spiral.

I wasn’t terrible yesterday, and there’s still hope in saving today. I just have to suck today up to using all my WPs and move on. It’s ok. It’s one day.

Anyway. Yeah. Yesterday. Poor Mr. Chocolate, I felt so bad for him last night. And so helpless. He has been wonderful here recently. His dad has been working out of town for several months now, so Mr. Chocolate has been running the farm. As well, he’s having to take care of me and his mom during this awful winter weather. Yesterday morning he plowed the driveway (mind you, our driveway is over a mile long through the cow fields). He parked the tractor at down at the shop at the end of the driveway and took his car on to work.

Yesterday evening he planned on plowing the driveway again, since the wind had drifted it shut. The tractor would not start. Just no. It gave up. So Mr. Chocolate decided he’d just head home. We had made it in and out a few days before, should be fine. It’s just easier if the driveway is plowed. Yeah… that didn’t happen. Mr. Chocolate got stuck. He came back to the tractor and started working on it. I picked us up some Subway and we ate dinner in the car.

How romantic. 🙂

After that, Mr. Mechanic Cousin showed up to help work on the tractor. They replaced fuel filter thingies (technical terms there). I was sent to the store to get some Diesel 911 in the red bottle. Yeah, ok? They tried jump starting. Nothing worked. Nothing.

At about 9:00 the boys called it quits. They were both frozen to the core. We were no closer to getting home. So we packed up and headed for Wal-Mart. Bought some supplies and made camp at the Super 8.

In the mean time, I had a chocolate chip cookie and a beer. Not terrible. And I still had points left in the day. I had no fear having those.

That being said, today has been another story.

This morning I started off with a plan. I had a granola bar.

Sounds yummy, right?

And I was sticking with that plan for a while. Until I walked outside and the temperature was -5 degrees. A granola bar did not sound good then. And to top it off, I still had to wait for my car to warm up. But where? Back in the hotel, where I had already checked out of our room?

Nope. I went to Waffle House. I had an omelet. And toast. And hashbrowns.

And then, when I arrived at work after court everyone had ordered Domino’s. I had no lunch packed. I had no kitchen to pack my lunch in! So I asked if the pizza was for everyone. I was told “No. We all ordered separately. You’re out of luck.”

Really? Really?! Gee, thanks.

So I ordered pizza rolls. And I ate too many of them. But I stopped.

I stopped because I got an email telling me that I was helping someone who has been reading my blog. Someone who asked me what a good first step would be. And that reminded me that maybe I need to take another first step.

Oh but I will!

Oh but I will!

So, I will give the rest of those pizza rolls to Mr. Chocolate. He can pack them in his work lunch tomorrow. I will track everything instead of putting my head in the sand and ignoring what I’ve done. And I will take control back over my diet.

It may not have been the best day, but it will still be a good day.

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Eat To Live or Live To Eat? That is the question.

I do. I have a real problem with food.

Can you be a food addict?

I realize that is nothing to joke about. And in all honesty, I don’t know that I’m 100% joking.

Food is my weakness. Oh how I love it. I’m not one who can “Eat to Live”. No, I am one who Lives to Eat. That is me. Food is not fuel. Food is a treat. Food is a celebration. Food is a time to get together. It’s an activity.

Food… is a problem. For me at least.

How do you retrain your brain to eat to live? That food is NOT a celebration. It is not a treat. Food is not a time to get together. It is definitely not an activity. Food is fuel.

Food is supposed to help my body do amazing things. Things like walk. Talk. Workout. Food is supposed to keep me healthy. Instead, food, or at least my relationship with it, is doing the opposite of that. Food has me winded when I walk too much or too fast. Food has it so that working out is an awful experience or embarrassment and uncomfortableness. And food is in no way, shape, or form keeping me healthy right now.

And this became very clear when my aunt had her heart attack. I’ve known for years I need to do something about my eating. I’ve tried in the past, and been very successful with it. I’ve known I have a family history of heart problems. I know that my Papa has had several heart attacks and a stroke. I know that his sister just passed away from a possible combination of heart attack and stroke. I know that my Granny has Type II Diabetes, something that can be controlled, and sometimes cured, with diet. And I know that my aunt just had a heart attack with a 100% blockage at a very young age.

I know that I don’t want these things to happen to me. Sadly, these things are starting to happen to me. Back during my physical appointment several months ago my doctor informed me that I have slightly high cholesterol. 27 years old and my cholesterol was 203. My good was low. My bad was high. That’s not how things need to be for me. That means something has to change.

That change came today. I rejoined Weight Watchers, much to the humor of Mr. Chocolate, who politely chuckled when I told him I’m starting a diet again.

Today I stripped down to nothing and stepped on that scale in the privacy of my bathroom. I am not brave enough to go back to a meeting. And after Mr. Chocolate’s little chuckle, which he claims didn’t happen, I really don’t want anyone to know about this. But I’m tell you. All of you.

As of this morning I am my highest ever recorded weight. I surpassed my previous highest every by 3 pounds. I’m embarrassed. I’m discouraged. But I’m also hopefully and determined.

Today’s WI. 245.4 pounds.

My goal for next week is obviously to lose weight. But my overall goal is to have more good days than bad days. More days without secret eating or binge eating. More days where I finish my meal feeling satisfied versus stuffed. My goal is to have more days where I go to bed proud of my food choices instead of hoping Mr. Chocolate didn’t see me eat those last 2 cookies.

I think I can handle that goal.

Holy Toledo Batman!

Ok, so I’m AWFUL when it comes to updating this bad boy.

I think I ignore when I really don’t want to be honest about what’s going on in my life. Because I do want to be honest on this blog. I want it to be my place to turn to when things are crazy, or crazy good.

So since it’s been a while, let’s just lay it all out on the table! Here are my confessions of the past 2 1/2 months.

1) I took diet pills. I did. I know, awful. Why would I do such a thing?? And even worse, I started taking them AFTER I rejoined WW. I had great success with WW while I was taking them. I was down just over 10 pounds. Then I stopped taking them. They made me feel funny after about 5 weeks on them. Fluttery almost. They also made my BP rise. I wasn’t cool with that. So I stopped them. The first week off, I gained some weight. The next week the scale was back down. I realize I CAN do this on my own.

2) I gained back all my weight. Yeah, you heard me. I just told you I took diet pills and lost like 10 pounds. Gained week 1 off of them and then lost week 2 off of them. Yeah, well, then life got crazy. I got emotional. I stopped caring about what to eat, how much to eat, if even if I ate. And then vacation. Oh vacation, it was glorious. I went back to my meeting last night, I held my head up high, I told my leader I knew the damage on the scale, and I accepted it. All of my weight back. Plus .2 pound. It’s weight. It will come back off. This time without the help of diet pills.

3) I broke up with Mr. Chocolate. It sucked. It was awful. It felt like I was ripping out my own heart & stomping on it. I drank too much wine. I ate too much chocolate. And pizza. And pasta. And whatever else I wanted to eat while grieving, because the desire to eat didn’t happen often. I wanted more out of our relationship. Mr. Chocolate, however, wasn’t ready to say he did also. He was happy how we were. He liked our relationship. I couldn’t do it. I was afraid he would never want more with me. After 3 1/2 years he didn’t, what was going to change? I walked away. Crying like a baby.

4) I went on vacation!! Oh, glorious, wonderful, vacation. I drank too much. I ate too much. I explored a different country. I flirted. I danced. I swam with the fishes and flew through the air. Did I mention I ate and drank too much? Yeah, that’ll happen.

5) I got back together with Mr. Chocolate. So apparently 2 weeks apart made him realize he was being a pansy and our relationship needed to move forward. He admitted that the idea does scare him, but the idea of not having me around scares him more. He told me he realized that we did live together, and that he didn’t want it to be “his” home anymore, he wanted it to be “our” home. He wants to settle down with me. Have little blonde haired, blue eyed babies (I hate to break it to him, those are resistive traits. So if I have anything to it they’ll be dark haired. But poor things will be fair skinned as they come!) He told me that I am “the one”. We made up.

6) I recommitted to WW. Again. Yeah, so what? Don’t judge me. I have been going to meetings. I haven’t actually stopped doing WW. (Well, minus the weeks of break-up and vacation.) But yesterday I went back to my meeting. I bought healthy foods. I planned. I cooked. And I’m going to do this. With diet and exercise. Not with diet pills.

Le Sigh

So, yesterday. Let’s just talk about that.

I tucked my tail between my legs. I walked in. I admitted defeat. And I was met with open arms and all the support in the world.

What am I talking about? Well going back to Weight Watcher meetings of course!

I really did feel like a failure when I walked through those doors. Like I was admitting defeat.

Failure-is-not-falling-down-but-refusing-to-get-up

 

But then I realized this. And how true it is. I’m not a failure because I’m doing this again. I’m succeeding because I’m not willing to give up. I will get the weight back off. I will be happy with myself again.

And actually I took a lot out of the meeting last night. I used to hate going to the WW meetings. They were “a waste of time” and “I already know how to do this” type of thing. Last night, it was the same – I do know how to do this. I know how to handle a stressful situation and what works for me – but that being said, what works for me is why I’m going back to WW meetings in the first place. The stress eating, the wine nights with the ladies to decompress after a long day, the “grab & go” food (which is usually pizza). It’s why I had to go back. So really, do I know how to do this?

They also talked about finding an anchor. Something that means something to you to help keep you focused when things get crazy.

Mine is a picture. It was already the screen saver picture on my phone. It makes me smile whenever I look at it. Its a picture of myself and Mr. Chocolate. Back when I was thinner. We’re both smiling, happy. I was happy with the way I looked and felt. That picture. That’s my anchor. That’s where I want to get back to.

I want to be that happy confident woman he met & fell in love with. Not just for him, but even more for myself.

Update + Recipe Review

So I’ve been MIA for a while now. And honestly, it hasn’t been pretty. I’ve been lying to myself about how well I’m following WW. About how I’m staying on plan. About how I’m dieting. Yeah. Right. If I were doing all of those things I wouldn’t have gained back all of the weight I had lost since January 1. I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t stand the way I look. The way I feel. I feel awful. I am 10 pounds away from my highest ever adult weight. My clothes don’t fit anymore. I do not feel attractive, at all. It’s starting to effect my self confidence. Something has to change.

I considered not doing WW anymore. Of course the excuses of “its not working.” Yadda yadda. No, it works. But it requires me to do the work. And I wasn’t. I know WW works for me. I know how the plan works. I just need to put in EFFORT! I need to do it. So that’s my goal. Do it.

I’m going to try to take Sundays as a prep day. Get lunches made for the week & dinners planned out. I’m going to focus on GOOD food (not just cans of soup & a turkey sandwich). I’m going to eat food with FLAVOR. That is also healthy. I am going to allow myself to have a treat when I’m craving it. I’m going to have to put in more effort to not get bored. That’s the problem. I’m bored. And I’m lazy, let’s be honest. So this new food is also going to have to be simple. That’s a hard combo to find. Easy, tasty, healthy. So if you know of any recipes, let me know!

And speaking of recipes, I tried one I was a little leery of this weekend. I didn’t know how it was going to turn out and honestly feared it was going to be horrible and I wasted my money. Holy goodness I was wrong!!

It’s SkinnyTaste’s Dad’s Creamy Cauliflower Soup. My goodness. So easy. So yummy. So going on my regular to make list!!

  • 1 tbsp butter
  • 1 tbsp unbleached flour (all purpose is fine too)
  • 1 medium head cauliflower – chopped
  • 1/2 cup chopped onions
  • 4 cups fat free chicken broth (vegetarians can use vegetable broth)
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • hot sauce (this isn’t in her recipe, but I’m a hot sauce junky, but an FYI – a little goes a long way with this recipe)
  • minced garlic (also not part of her recipe)

Directions:

In a medium saucepan, make a roux by melting the butter on low heat. Add the flour and stir about 2 minutes.

Add the chicken broth, onions and cauliflower and set heat to medium. Bring to a boil, then cover and simmer over medium-low heat until vegetables are tender (about 20
minutes.) Puree with an immersion blender until smooth. Season with salt and pepper.

Like I said, I added hot sauce as well, and I may have added too much. But I think the garlic & hot sauce made it awesome. My immersion blender left some chunks. Maybe I didn’t have the patience to mess with it. Or maybe I need a better one (my stick kept falling off). Next time I will probably transfer to a regular blender and blend until smooth. Also, 4 cups of chicken broth made for a fairly thick soup. So if you like yours thinner I would suggest adding more liquid.

The boyfriend refuses to try and said it “Smells like butt”. And I’ll be honest, it did stink while it was cooking. But my goodness it is AMAZING!!! And only 2pts for a 1.25 cup serving. Seriously, going to be a lunch time staple.

Binges Happen. Right?

At least they do to me.

Did.

Do.

Whatever.

The scale was up this week. 3 pounds. I expected that. Ok, I didn’t expect 3 pounds, but I did fully expect the scale to be up this week. And that’s ok. It will come back down.

At least it will if I stop doing what I did last night. Ugh.

I had a lovely day planned out, food wise. And I stayed fairly on plan with that day. Until after dinner. I sat down and ate my planned cake. And then I ate velvetta dip with chips. And some potato salad. And some rolls with honey. Oh yes, it was bad.

Eat All The FoodsSeriously. Bad.

But, I’ve tracked it all. And I will move on. I still have 22 of my WPs left. Sadly, I used 27 of them yesterday – right after they reset!! I can get through this week.

I have dinner out tonight & a wedding on Saturday. But I can, and will, do this.

Food Shame

Are you ever embarrassed to eat in front of people?

It could be a certain type of food. Like how I hate eating bone-in wings around anyone other than Mr. Chocolate, or how I hate eating chocolate in front of attractive men. (Mr. Chocolate doesn’t count here – he is super attractive, but he understands my love affair with chocolate.) And I don’t like eating more than one plate of food at a gathering because I feel like people are judging me for eating too much.

I feel judged when I eat these things. Or guilty for indulging. I feel like people will think I’m fat if I eat a brownie after eating Taco Bell (which, by the way, Taco Bell now has a pretty decent brownie – especially if you microwave it first!). I feel ashamed of the way I look when I eat these things.

This mindset is NOT a healthy one. Because all it leads to is secret eating. Instead of eating these things in front of people I wait, and then eat them in hiding where no one can see me. I’ll wait until Mr. Chocolate isn’t home and order the pizza I love – and I’ll eat almost half of it. Or wait for my coworker to leave the room and eat 4 pieces of candy. And because I wait, I binge eat.

I need to refocus my relationship with food. I need to not be ashamed to eat certain foods, but instead be proud of myself and the fact that I can indulge in these foods – in moderation (that’s the key word there). I need to realize that I can eat these foods out in the open. I can eat them until I am satisfied, not sick. I don’t have to feel ashamed for eating these things.

So my current goal is to get my eating under control. Try not to binge. Try not to emotional eat. Try to be mindful of how much I’m eating.