Holy Toledo Batman!

Ok, so I’m AWFUL when it comes to updating this bad boy.

I think I ignore when I really don’t want to be honest about what’s going on in my life. Because I do want to be honest on this blog. I want it to be my place to turn to when things are crazy, or crazy good.

So since it’s been a while, let’s just lay it all out on the table! Here are my confessions of the past 2 1/2 months.

1) I took diet pills. I did. I know, awful. Why would I do such a thing?? And even worse, I started taking them AFTER I rejoined WW. I had great success with WW while I was taking them. I was down just over 10 pounds. Then I stopped taking them. They made me feel funny after about 5 weeks on them. Fluttery almost. They also made my BP rise. I wasn’t cool with that. So I stopped them. The first week off, I gained some weight. The next week the scale was back down. I realize I CAN do this on my own.

2) I gained back all my weight. Yeah, you heard me. I just told you I took diet pills and lost like 10 pounds. Gained week 1 off of them and then lost week 2 off of them. Yeah, well, then life got crazy. I got emotional. I stopped caring about what to eat, how much to eat, if even if I ate. And then vacation. Oh vacation, it was glorious. I went back to my meeting last night, I held my head up high, I told my leader I knew the damage on the scale, and I accepted it. All of my weight back. Plus .2 pound. It’s weight. It will come back off. This time without the help of diet pills.

3) I broke up with Mr. Chocolate. It sucked. It was awful. It felt like I was ripping out my own heart & stomping on it. I drank too much wine. I ate too much chocolate. And pizza. And pasta. And whatever else I wanted to eat while grieving, because the desire to eat didn’t happen often. I wanted more out of our relationship. Mr. Chocolate, however, wasn’t ready to say he did also. He was happy how we were. He liked our relationship. I couldn’t do it. I was afraid he would never want more with me. After 3 1/2 years he didn’t, what was going to change? I walked away. Crying like a baby.

4) I went on vacation!! Oh, glorious, wonderful, vacation. I drank too much. I ate too much. I explored a different country. I flirted. I danced. I swam with the fishes and flew through the air. Did I mention I ate and drank too much? Yeah, that’ll happen.

5) I got back together with Mr. Chocolate. So apparently 2 weeks apart made him realize he was being a pansy and our relationship needed to move forward. He admitted that the idea does scare him, but the idea of not having me around scares him more. He told me he realized that we did live together, and that he didn’t want it to be “his” home anymore, he wanted it to be “our” home. He wants to settle down with me. Have little blonde haired, blue eyed babies (I hate to break it to him, those are resistive traits. So if I have anything to it they’ll be dark haired. But poor things will be fair skinned as they come!) He told me that I am “the one”. We made up.

6) I recommitted to WW. Again. Yeah, so what? Don’t judge me. I have been going to meetings. I haven’t actually stopped doing WW. (Well, minus the weeks of break-up and vacation.) But yesterday I went back to my meeting. I bought healthy foods. I planned. I cooked. And I’m going to do this. With diet and exercise. Not with diet pills.

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Could the Gym be the Fix for my MLC??

Is that possible?

Could gym time help me get out of this funk I’m slipping into?

I’ve gone to the gym the past 2 days on my lunch break. It has been beyond the point of wonderful. It’s that mid-day stress relief I need, my time away from that place called work. And people. It is 30 minutes of pure me time. I don’t have to talk to other people. I don’t have to look pretty. I can just be there. And sweat. And be happy. At the gym I’m not worried about who is dating who. Which of my friends is getting married. Or moving in together. Who in my life is having a baby, or just recently had one. At the gym I’m happy. I’m content. I don’t have to think about what is making any other person around me happy. I don’t have to put on a “happy face”. I can just be.

He understands completely.

He understands completely.

 

I think, right now at least, the gym is the best thing for me. It’s the only place I haven’t felt completely overwhelmed with life. I don’t focus about work. I don’t focus about my relationship, and where we are. I don’t have Facebook around me to see what other people are doing. I can just relax. I can get out all of my frustrations. I can be angry; angry makes for a better workout! I can push myself. I can just focus on me. And what I want. And what makes me happy.

I think I’m going to start packing wraps and sandwiches for lunch so I can go to the gym most days. I really do think I need the gym on my lunch break.

Who needs engagement and babies??

Who needs engagement and babies??

 

I’m out of that funk

And happy as a lark.

It was bad. Bad bad bad. It took a while for things to get better. In all aspects of my happiness. But they are turning around. And for the most part, they have completely. Life is good again. And that’s a good thing.

I’m feeling comfortable with school. I’m not stressing. My classes are no where near as hard as I was expecting them to. (I say that now, but I have a midterm to work on this weekend & a final project to start.) I got rid of the evil piece of crap car that keeps messing up. I got a car payment I can afford & I’m comfortable with. Things with the one I love have completely turned around. We’ve figured out our relationship again & things are good.

How many times can I use the term good in this post?

I took a couple personal days. I talked a lot with a friend of mine. I arranged a deal with my mom. The one I love & myself laid everything out on the table. Lots of talking. And stressing. And sole searching. And maybe a mental health day or 2 in there where I avoided all human contact.

Anyway.

I’m back on track with my diet/exercise plan. That was slacking. And I tend to do that whenever life starts to feel overwhelming and out of control. I completely ignore the healthy habits I’ve learned. But, now that life seems to be good again, it’s time to focus on those aspects again. (Ok, yes, I realize it’s *always* time to focus on those aspects, but sometimes, just no.)

My goal is to lose 17 pounds by NYE. That will put be back at 199 pounds. I can do it. I will do it. And from there, just another 20 pounds to my goal. I.Will.Do.It!!

Am I Motivated?

Not really, no. I’m not.

I’m slipping back into my “screw it all” frame of mind. I need to snap back out of it. And I honestly believe that a big reason for this is because of my class. I feel so lost & stuck in this class. And I really feel that it’s starting to effect the rest of my life. I’m so confused on what we’re doing & feel so lost. Like I’m just going through the motions until this class is over.

I’m also really needing Spring to arrive. I don’t feel like doing DVDs at home – I don’t care how many I have, I just don’t feel like doing it. I want to be outside in the fresh air. But it’s just so cold!

I need to figure something out.

Hopefully kickboxing tonight will help spur me along to get my butt back into feeling this program.

***

Toady’s Plan of Attack:

B: Oatmeal & coffee. -4
S: Banana. -0
L: Healthy Choice meal, salad w/ blue cheese dressing, applesauce. -6
S: Apple. -0
S: Greek yogurt. -2
A: 45min Kickboxing
D: Wendy’s 1/2 salad & small chili. -10