Mr. Chocolate

Poor thing. He’s got this lovely stomach bug. And since he’s come down with I’ve got everything on my body that I can cross, crossed. I don’t want that business! I went at lunch today and got him some more Gatorade. Hopefully that mess will be out of my house soon.

But that’s not why I’m “Poor thing”-ing him. Apparently the other weekend he & his mom had a chit chat. And she told him he needs to lose weight. I get where she’s coming from, and I agree with her. If he would lose weight it would make his joints feel better – which are already crap from years of football. His back pain might start getting better. Overall he would feel better.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mr. Chocolate just how he is. I like a bigger, “fluffy” man. But he has gained some weight here recently. That being said, so have I – also to an unhealthy point. I am still attracted to him. But I do agree with his mother.

Mr. Chocolate will eat what I pack in his lunch. He will eat what I cook for dinner. But I can’t control what he eats. Or how much. He’s a grown man & makes his own decisions on that.

That doesn’t stop me from worrying. I want him around for many more years. I want him healthy. But I don’t know how to discuss that topic with him. When I tell him about me needing to lose weight he tells me I’m beautiful. That I look wonderful. But I’m not just doing this for my vanity. I’m also doing this for my health. I want to make him see the healthy side also.

Hopefully my healthy cooking, snacks, and packed lunches will help. As I really have no idea how to approach this topic tactfully.

Eat To Live or Live To Eat? That is the question.

I do. I have a real problem with food.

Can you be a food addict?

I realize that is nothing to joke about. And in all honesty, I don’t know that I’m 100% joking.

Food is my weakness. Oh how I love it. I’m not one who can “Eat to Live”. No, I am one who Lives to Eat. That is me. Food is not fuel. Food is a treat. Food is a celebration. Food is a time to get together. It’s an activity.

Food… is a problem. For me at least.

How do you retrain your brain to eat to live? That food is NOT a celebration. It is not a treat. Food is not a time to get together. It is definitely not an activity. Food is fuel.

Food is supposed to help my body do amazing things. Things like walk. Talk. Workout. Food is supposed to keep me healthy. Instead, food, or at least my relationship with it, is doing the opposite of that. Food has me winded when I walk too much or too fast. Food has it so that working out is an awful experience or embarrassment and uncomfortableness. And food is in no way, shape, or form keeping me healthy right now.

And this became very clear when my aunt had her heart attack. I’ve known for years I need to do something about my eating. I’ve tried in the past, and been very successful with it. I’ve known I have a family history of heart problems. I know that my Papa has had several heart attacks and a stroke. I know that his sister just passed away from a possible combination of heart attack and stroke. I know that my Granny has Type II Diabetes, something that can be controlled, and sometimes cured, with diet. And I know that my aunt just had a heart attack with a 100% blockage at a very young age.

I know that I don’t want these things to happen to me. Sadly, these things are starting to happen to me. Back during my physical appointment several months ago my doctor informed me that I have slightly high cholesterol. 27 years old and my cholesterol was 203. My good was low. My bad was high. That’s not how things need to be for me. That means something has to change.

That change came today. I rejoined Weight Watchers, much to the humor of Mr. Chocolate, who politely chuckled when I told him I’m starting a diet again.

Today I stripped down to nothing and stepped on that scale in the privacy of my bathroom. I am not brave enough to go back to a meeting. And after Mr. Chocolate’s little chuckle, which he claims didn’t happen, I really don’t want anyone to know about this. But I’m tell you. All of you.

As of this morning I am my highest ever recorded weight. I surpassed my previous highest every by 3 pounds. I’m embarrassed. I’m discouraged. But I’m also hopefully and determined.

Today’s WI. 245.4 pounds.

My goal for next week is obviously to lose weight. But my overall goal is to have more good days than bad days. More days without secret eating or binge eating. More days where I finish my meal feeling satisfied versus stuffed. My goal is to have more days where I go to bed proud of my food choices instead of hoping Mr. Chocolate didn’t see me eat those last 2 cookies.

I think I can handle that goal.

Am I ready for that much committment?

Oh my house.

How I wish it would sell. That would take so much stress away from me. Trying to figure out the logistics of moving in with Mr. Chocolate, its just craziness.

We’re going to be setting up a joint account to pay for household needs – bills, groceries, repairs. But at the moment I still have my regular mortgage payment & bills at my house. And in 3 months I’ll have my student loans come do.
My house is currently on the market to be sold. I’ve talked to my realtor about lowering the price, changing the description, and setting up a realtor open house to get some foot traffic in there. Her contract expires in just a couple weeks; maybe a month. I feel horrible that if after a couple weeks of that realtor open house if there is still no interest, I do believe I’m going to pull it from her & sign with a different realtor.

I spoke with Mr. Chocolate about this. I had mentioned just renting it if it hasn’t sold (or at least under contract) by the time my student loans come due. Give me some money. Take the load off my bills. He told me to keep it on the market. I kept trying to explain to him that if my house stays on the market then I cannot contribute towards the house hold fund. That I’d be lucky to pay ANYTHING at all towards the house. He, again, told me to keep my house on the market. That if I really wanted to be out from under my house then I need to keep it on the market. And his words – “I will help support you. Don’t worry about putting money towards the house until your house sells.”
Wait. What? You’ll support me?

1) I don’t know that I’m ok with this. I know that sounds dumb. I should be ok with this. If we’re really going to make a life together, I should be ok with this. But it scares me more than anything. What if it takes MONTHS for my house to sell? What if 6 months from now its still on the market?

2) I don’t know that I’m ready for that much commitment. Again, I know it sounds dumb. But that’s a huge deal. A massive deal for him to offer. And for me to accept. Am I ok with that? I’d be able to pay my own bills. But I couldn’t pay anything towards the house. I can keep it clean and coupon to save my life. But that will be about it. I can’t do much else if I don’t have any extra money. And that scares me. What if he gets tired of paying for everything? How long will that take?

Ugh. Relationships make my head hurt.

MCM 1 Day Late

1) You know what kind of chips I’m going to buy before I even get them.

2) You gave me the last of your sinus medicine. And we both know how much you rely on your sinus meds.

3) You watch long movies you weren’t overly interested in just because I want to see them.

4) You made the bed last night so I could go straight from the sofa to the bed. (By the way, what the hell do you do the bed sheets???)

5) My goodnight kiss. Love it.

I love you. You are wonderful.

MCM + Weekend Recap

1) You make me smile.

2) How did you just figure out I’m a dork?

3) You are willing to eat healthy foods because it’s what I cook. 🙂

4) You make sure I get my regular car maintenance done.

5) You seriously give the best cuddles. Ever.

***

So this weekend was a little out of control with food & drink. Some friends were in town and we all got together for dinner. I let my guard down for certain. I drank more than I intended Saturday & then ate too much greasy food after that.

I didn’t work out at all.

But I track all m food. I did not go into the red on my WW tracker.

And I’m still expecting a loss this week. So that’s good news.

Goal Update!!!

It’s that time of week again. Goal update! I am so totally rockin’ out my goals. It’s insane.

1) Exercise 2 times a week.
Yeah. I got that. I didn’t work out over the weekend or on Tuesday, when I spent the evening doing homework. But I pulled out a workout on Thursday, Friday, Monday, & Wednesday. And I’m planning one tonight to do my Hip Hop Abs DVD.

2) Cook at least 3 dinners at home.
Can I change this one? I mean, I’ve eaten at home for at least 3 dinners this week. I think I said leftovers count. Which is good, because only feeding one person leaves a LOT of leftover food. The other night I made some turkey sausage with onions and peppers. I paired that with quinoa. I have leftovers for dinner tonight. And probably tomorrow. Seriously. I eat lots of leftovers. I’m still counting this as a goal met – my goal was to not spend money on eating out. And I’m not.

3) Pack my lunch at least 4 days a week.
Seriously, I don’t think I’ve gone out for lunch since the new year started. I’m that good. I may not want what I’ve packed, but I eat it. Because I’m cheap. And because I tell myself I can have it for lunch or I can have it for dinner. And I really don’t want a piddly turkey sandwich for dinner. I want warm and hearty. So lunch wins out.

***

Daily Menu:

B: Strawberry Cheesecake smoothie, muffin, coffee. -5
S: I had greek yogurt – I forgot to eat it. -0
L: Leftover Subway, banana. -11
S: Apple, cheese stick. -2
D: Turkey sausage, onions, peppers, quinoa. -11

I still have like 8pts left (because I forgot to eat my yogurt!). I’ll probably have some chocolate tonight & possibly eat my yogurt before my workout or something.

***

I had my final essay exam for my Human Resources Management class last night. I’m glad that class is over, but I’m really dreading my next class. The first night we have a 10 minute presentation & paper due. As well as some individual work. I just fear this class is going to stress me out to the max. And I just can’t handle being stressed out to the max. I’m so close to being done. I just want it to end.

Senioritis anyone??

And also, I’m totally stressing about what to do my final Integration Project paper on. And when my stupid advisor is going to let us know about the Capstone thing. We can chose either option, but we don’t have the information to make a discession. I need to know these things!!

***

So… I may have yelled at Mr. Chocolate last night.

It was totally justified!!

Even if he was being super sweet boyfriend at the time.

He gets home at like 2am from work. I wake up to cold wet dog nose in my face. He had gone by his parents house to get his dog, who has missed him like mad crazy here recently.

Anyway. Once I’m awake I’m kept awake by this awful banging pounding noise coming from somewhere in the house. I knew he was home because KT Dog was not home when I went to bed. So I put on my slippers and go to locate this God awful noise. Only to find that it was Mr. Chocolate in the back room with an ax (hello CLUE! – oh please tell me you got that reference. If not, we so totally can’t be friends.)!! Anyway… yeah.

Mr. Chocolate and his ax. Chopping up some wood. In the house. WTF mate?? And there I stand in my old man undershirt, paint covered yoga pants, and fuzzy pink slippers. Damn I looked hot mess. I may have fussed at him to make that noise stop. Right now. Immediately. He laughed at me, gave me a kiss, and said he was sorry for making noise & he would start our fire quieter. Then he asked me for a beer (seriously, I can’t make this shit up). Gave me a kiss, and sent me back to bed. Where I slept in silence because the ax chopping had stopped. And I was a happy girl.

 

MCM + Weekend Recap

1. You go to Sunday brunch with me to a restaurant an hour away.

2. You cuddle while watching manly movies like Die Hard.

3. You don’t complain about the way nail polish smells when I paint my nails, even though I know you hate it.

4. You’ll cook your own dinner when I’m planning something “too healthy” and don’t fuss about it. Or ask me to make something different.

5. You let me exercise in the living-room with only a little bit of laughter.

Love you.

***

So this weekend I ate a burger.

I think I broke some cardinal rule or weight loss.

Whatever. Sue me. That thing was bangin’!

Blue cheese. Bacon. Caramelized onions.

Yeah. It was worth every.single.bite!

And I’d totally have another one, too.

Other than that the weekend was not very eventful. I didn’t workout. Any. I planned on it Saturday but just didn’t feel like it – I was a total bum Saturday.I don’t feel bad about not working out because I managed to exercise some every work day last week.

Sunday I spent the day with Mr. Chocolate. We went to brunch at a place called 202 Market – I had a ham, spinach, roasted red pepper, & feta omelet with a side of home fries. Then we split a piece of key lime pie. So yummy. So worth it.

Other than that my weekend was totally uneventful. Food was seriously the highlight of my weekend. Is that sad? Please tell me that’s not sad.

***

Daily Menu:

B: PB2 & Banana smoothie, coffee. -5
L: Chicken salad sandwich, hummus w/ carrots. -10
S: Apple & cheese stick. -2
D: Black & Blue salad. -10ish