Holy Toledo Batman!

Ok, so I’m AWFUL when it comes to updating this bad boy.

I think I ignore when I really don’t want to be honest about what’s going on in my life. Because I do want to be honest on this blog. I want it to be my place to turn to when things are crazy, or crazy good.

So since it’s been a while, let’s just lay it all out on the table! Here are my confessions of the past 2 1/2 months.

1) I took diet pills. I did. I know, awful. Why would I do such a thing?? And even worse, I started taking them AFTER I rejoined WW. I had great success with WW while I was taking them. I was down just over 10 pounds. Then I stopped taking them. They made me feel funny after about 5 weeks on them. Fluttery almost. They also made my BP rise. I wasn’t cool with that. So I stopped them. The first week off, I gained some weight. The next week the scale was back down. I realize I CAN do this on my own.

2) I gained back all my weight. Yeah, you heard me. I just told you I took diet pills and lost like 10 pounds. Gained week 1 off of them and then lost week 2 off of them. Yeah, well, then life got crazy. I got emotional. I stopped caring about what to eat, how much to eat, if even if I ate. And then vacation. Oh vacation, it was glorious. I went back to my meeting last night, I held my head up high, I told my leader I knew the damage on the scale, and I accepted it. All of my weight back. Plus .2 pound. It’s weight. It will come back off. This time without the help of diet pills.

3) I broke up with Mr. Chocolate. It sucked. It was awful. It felt like I was ripping out my own heart & stomping on it. I drank too much wine. I ate too much chocolate. And pizza. And pasta. And whatever else I wanted to eat while grieving, because the desire to eat didn’t happen often. I wanted more out of our relationship. Mr. Chocolate, however, wasn’t ready to say he did also. He was happy how we were. He liked our relationship. I couldn’t do it. I was afraid he would never want more with me. After 3 1/2 years he didn’t, what was going to change? I walked away. Crying like a baby.

4) I went on vacation!! Oh, glorious, wonderful, vacation. I drank too much. I ate too much. I explored a different country. I flirted. I danced. I swam with the fishes and flew through the air. Did I mention I ate and drank too much? Yeah, that’ll happen.

5) I got back together with Mr. Chocolate. So apparently 2 weeks apart made him realize he was being a pansy and our relationship needed to move forward. He admitted that the idea does scare him, but the idea of not having me around scares him more. He told me he realized that we did live together, and that he didn’t want it to be “his” home anymore, he wanted it to be “our” home. He wants to settle down with me. Have little blonde haired, blue eyed babies (I hate to break it to him, those are resistive traits. So if I have anything to it they’ll be dark haired. But poor things will be fair skinned as they come!) He told me that I am “the one”. We made up.

6) I recommitted to WW. Again. Yeah, so what? Don’t judge me. I have been going to meetings. I haven’t actually stopped doing WW. (Well, minus the weeks of break-up and vacation.) But yesterday I went back to my meeting. I bought healthy foods. I planned. I cooked. And I’m going to do this. With diet and exercise. Not with diet pills.

Happy Tuesday!

So, I’m attempting this thing again. I’ve tried numerous times without any luck. Myself and a couple other ladies at work have decided to put some money on our weight loss attempts. We’ve started up a little competition. I plan to kick their butts!

That being said, I’m treating it this go round like a total newbie. I’ve order Quest bars for quick grab & go breakfasts. I’ve ordered T25 to start working out at home in the mornings. I’ve ordered new gym clothes from Old Navy, 5 outfits total. I’m going to get new shoes this weekend to workout in. It’s time I do this. Right.

So, I’ll admit the scale. It was bad. Horrible. Awful. I’ve gained back SO MUCH weight. And it’s all my fault. My new WI day is Monday. So, WI yesterday was 235.4 pounds. Like I said, awful. I feel so bad about the way I look. I do not feel attractive at all. What so ever. I don’t understand why Mr. Chocolate still finds me attractive and even question him when he tells me I’m beautiful. That’s when it’s time to change. My issues can not affect all aspects of my life.

It has also become kind of a joke whenever I tell Mr. Chocolate I am going to try to lose weight. He supports me, but he’s seen me fail at it so many times he no longer believes me. I need to prove to him, and myself, that I can. And WILL. Do this.

B: Clif bar & coffee. -7
S: Greek yogurt. -2
L: Smartones & veggies w/ cheese sauce. -10
S: Apple & cheese stick. -2
D: BLT, tater tots, broccoli. -14
S: Popcorn. -3

Seriously. I’m a slacker…

Let’s be honest here. I was doing really good last month with my WLJ. Even though I totally sucked at keeping this bad boy up to date.

But I have an excuse! Yes, I realize it’s an excuse and I still could have updated. Whatevs.

You take 3 5 week classes, try to graduate, balance a full time job, dating someone who works an opposite shift, AND have a social life.

Yeah. I thought so.

Anyway, back to what’s going on in my life.

I have finished my actual class work part of school. Now all that is left is my Integration Project, which is basically a literature review paper. I have to pass this bad boy in order to graduate. I’m nervous. I’m writing about how job satisfaction effects job performance. Wish me luck!

I also have changed my WI day. Several times. I started on Mondays. And it was ok, but not my favorite. I’m a scale checker throughout the week so it would annoy me to see the scale be down like 3 pounds on Friday and back up come Monday morning. So I changed my WI day to Friday. Which didn’t work either. With my week starting over on Friday it was like a free for all. EAT ALL THE FOODS!!! Yeah. So totally not good. The first week I gained a couple pounds. Which annoyed me because I worked so hard to lose almost 5 pounds last month. And I was totally on track to be 10lbs down by graduation! Then 2nd week I gained a little more. So basically, it was bad. I changed to Wednesdays. I’ve done Wednesdays in the past and it worked good for me. It’s a happy WI day for me. So that’s where I am.

I’m also trying not to drink any alcohol this week. See what it does for my skin/scalp. My scalp has been crazy itchy here recently. Crazy! I don’t know if it’s my skin in general drying out, which alcohol doesn’t help. Who knows. But this week, nothing, not even a glass of wine with dinner. Hopefully I can do it. I think I can. Last night I went to my local hangout for Trivia Night. I had water. I got some looks of “What are you doing??” Not drinking. I don’t want to. Don’t feel the need. I can have just as much fun without a beer.

I’m trying to also cook more. Cooking saves me money. I need to save money.

So today’s menu, since I really need to get back into posting these bad boys.

B: Granola bar, banana, coffee. -5
S: Notta – totally left it at home. 😦
L: Turkey sandwich, cucumber & dip. -8
S: Orange & cheese stick. -2
D: Salmon, quinoa, green peas. -14
S: Popcorn. -4

I still have 5pts left. Which I wouldn’t have if I had remembered to bring my snack & part of my lunch. Go self.

I’m out of that funk

And happy as a lark.

It was bad. Bad bad bad. It took a while for things to get better. In all aspects of my happiness. But they are turning around. And for the most part, they have completely. Life is good again. And that’s a good thing.

I’m feeling comfortable with school. I’m not stressing. My classes are no where near as hard as I was expecting them to. (I say that now, but I have a midterm to work on this weekend & a final project to start.) I got rid of the evil piece of crap car that keeps messing up. I got a car payment I can afford & I’m comfortable with. Things with the one I love have completely turned around. We’ve figured out our relationship again & things are good.

How many times can I use the term good in this post?

I took a couple personal days. I talked a lot with a friend of mine. I arranged a deal with my mom. The one I love & myself laid everything out on the table. Lots of talking. And stressing. And sole searching. And maybe a mental health day or 2 in there where I avoided all human contact.

Anyway.

I’m back on track with my diet/exercise plan. That was slacking. And I tend to do that whenever life starts to feel overwhelming and out of control. I completely ignore the healthy habits I’ve learned. But, now that life seems to be good again, it’s time to focus on those aspects again. (Ok, yes, I realize it’s *always* time to focus on those aspects, but sometimes, just no.)

My goal is to lose 17 pounds by NYE. That will put be back at 199 pounds. I can do it. I will do it. And from there, just another 20 pounds to my goal. I.Will.Do.It!!

Update!

So.. it’s been, what, 2 weeks?

Sorry. I’m totally failing at keeping up with my blog. I seriously do so much better at meal planning and tracking and dieting when I do keep up with this. I need to do it.

Anyway. I did not manage to cook breakfast twice last week. Or this week for that matter. I just haven’t done it. I like quick and easy. No mess to clean up. Yes, I realize these are excuses. But for now, it’s what seems to be working for me. The way I see it, I’m working out 2-3 times a week. I cook healthy dinners. I’m packing my lunches daily. I’m making smarter choices when I do go out to eat. I am doing ok. I don’t need to worry about making sure I cook breakfast. If I do, I do. If I don’t, I don’t.

And speaking of only working out 2-3 times a week. I’m seriously ready for the gym by the one I love’s house to open! Then I could very easily take my 2-3 times a week to more than that. I think I might start getting up with the one I love a couple days a week & doing something easy like Walk Away the Pounds or another DVD. He gets up around 5am & my alarm usually starts going off at 6am. I enjoy sitting and watching the news in the morning with a cup of coffee. So I think I’m going to start getting up with him, working out for 30 minutes, and then getting ready for work. I can do that. At least once a week. And then I’ll work on more.

Seriously, someone make sure I actually do this.

I think I might try to make it to the gym Friday morning as well. I won’t be able to go after work because I’m getting new tires. So early morning it is!

***

So, totally yummy and completely easy recipe I made last night! Sadly, no pictures.

Caprese Baked Chicken

1 cup Light Balsamic Vinaigrette
1 package (roughly 1 1/4 pound) chicken
4oz fresh mozzarella cheese, sliced
Fresh Basil leaves
Tomatoes

I marinaded my chicken for about 6 hours in the balsamic vinaigrette. Bake chicken at 350 for about 40 minutes, or until meat thermometer registers it is up to temp.

Top with basil leaves, fresh mozzarella, and tomato slices.

SO EASY! And delicious.

I have leftovers chopped up and on a salad for dinner tonight with some more of the balsamic dressing.

***

Today’s Plan of Attack:

B: Special K sandwich, banana, coffee. – 285
S: Greek yogurt. – 120
A: 20 minutes spinning??
L: Turkey sandwich, cottage cheese. – 400
S: Almonds & mini baby bell cheese. – 135
D: Salad w/ LO Chicken, SF pudding cup. – 370
S: Almonds. – 85

Packing almonds with me for after class if I need them. Sometimes I get snacky on my drive home. And school nights are usually late nights for me, so it’s nice to have something else to eat.

Even though I’m not eating and cooking everything I eat, I have noticed that by following SparkPeople I do eat much more filling options compared to WW where I would eat to fill points. I realize how quickly my calories get used when I eat the pizza and pastas. Maybe I’ll make some egg muffins over the weekend to have as breakfast staples – or some breakfast burritos to grab & heat. Something so I can eat a little less process but still have quick and easy food.

21 Days – Lots Going On

21 days later & I’m back!

It’s been a hard 3 weeks.

Emotional. School stuff. On plan. Off plan. Life in general. It’s all happened.

I was doing fairly decent on plan for a week or so – weekends are still hard for me, but I’ll get there. And then life happened – things with the one I love took a nose dive. I found out some information relating to “the incident” that brought everything back. (I’m still struggling some days with the knowledge I have now.) Most days are good, great even. But when things are off, they’re definitely off. We’re getting better & we’ll get back to great again.

We also discussed the future some. And what we both want. And need. And all that jazz.

I’ve also had some therapy visits that brought up lots of emotions. Oh lots & lots of emotions. The one I love is trying to be supportive of all of this, I know it’s hard on him also.

***

But anyway, back to the on & off plan deal I’ve had going on.

Like I’ve said in the past, posting to this also helps keep me on plan. But when all of that was going on I just didn’t want to worry about posting to a blog of Facebook page. I just wanted to curl up into a ball. Escape. Get away. Anything.

Things got so rough at one point I was beginning to push the one I love away. I took a day off work just to do nothing. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

And I ate.

Every.Single.Emotion.

If it weren’t nailed down I ate it.

If it were liquid I probably drank it.

I enjoyed Every.Single.Bite.

I didn’t work out at all. (I still haven’t started that part back up.)

And my pants got tighter. My shirts didn’t fit as well.

I gained weight. Hey, it happens right!

But I’m back at this. My goal right now is just to stay within my points. If I track that’s a bonus. I want to work out at least once this week – start small.

I think I need to start setting small goals again. Probably the same goal every week. Don’t go into the Red with my points. Exercise at least once. Lose weight.

I would LOVE to be in Onderland by the time I go to the beach, but I’m not expecting that. That gives me just over 1 month to lose 12 pounds. I really don’t expect that to happen. But maybe with dedication I can get close.

***

So, since I’m trying to get back on plan – let’s post a menu. I haven’t done that in a while.

Toady’s Plan of Attack:

B: McDonald’s Eggwhite Delight McMuffin -7
S: Nothing -0
L: Smart Ones, Carrots w/ Hummus – 8/9ish
S: Apple or Yogurt – 0/2
D: Pan fried pork chops, roasted asparagus, & roasted potatoes – 12
S: Angel food cake, home made fruit compote & FF cool whip – 3

10 Days Later…

Wow.

I’m seriously slacking on this whole updating thing! I’m sorry.

Life has been crazy busy with finishing up my Marketing course & starting on Accounting. Trying to stay as on plan as possible while the one I love doesn’t diet or eat very healthy. Also just haven’t been in the workout mood.

So, a quick update on life for the past 10 days!

1) Marketing is over. Our group project got put together at the very last minute. Our presentation ran over in time. I still managed to pull off an A for the course. Whew! That brings my overall GPA to a 3.83. I’m loving it.
2) My Accounting class started last night. I think my teacher is going to be great. But the class is going to be confusing. I’m seriously not looking forward to my next Accounting class. I think it’s going to be really hard.
3) I’m getting better at eating within my points & staying closer to on plan. I’m still not planning full weeks at a time, but I am doing a pretty decent job of planning day to day meals.
4) I lost 1.8lbs last week and another 2.7 pounds this week. I’m pretty excited about this fact. I really hope I can continue to stay on plan & get this weight off quickly!
5) I ordered my goal reward for reaching Onederland. I’ve pretty  much stopped doing goal rewards for every few pounds like before. Now I just want to celebrate the big ones. And getting back under 200lbs is a pretty huge goal. I don’t know when I got back above 200lbs, if it was before this summer or since I emotionally ate my way through life. But either way, I know I’m not happy where I am and I’m so glad I’m close to being back under that number. I think I put such a stigma on that number; it seriously feels like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders once I’m back at 199.8 & I just don’t know why.

So, that pretty much sums up my last week and a half. I swear I’ll do better at updating this blog!!

***

On another note, anyone have any good, easy, quick, and boyfriend approved healthy meals?

I know I’m not asking for a lot.

I got some inspiration from Emilybites.com & her pizza cupcakes. I think I might make some pizza rolls for the one I love this weekend. Stuff them with some cheese, pepperoni, & sausage (for him) for myself I’ll probably load them down with veggies. Dip them in pizza sauce. That sounds pretty good if you ask me.

***

Today’s Plan of Attack:

B: Waffle w/ PB & Coffee. -4
S: Banana. -0
L: Taco salad w/o shell. -10
S: Orange & cheese stick. -2
D: Probably a combination of salad, soup, sandwich. Who knows.